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New Job In Town/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Have you ever noticed how many boat trailers are left at the side of the road, because these little baby wheels either had a flat or fell off? I mean, they're lousy tires to begin with, and they're so small that at a 100 clicks, they're spinning faster than -- something that spins really fast. Only a dufus would carry around a spare for a trailer tire. Where would you stick the jack on one of these babies, anyway? No, sir. I got a better idea. I mounted a few of these high-speed fans on the side of the trailer, kind of turned it into a hovercraft. Once these things get going, unit doesn't even touch the ground. How can you have a flat when you don't even have a tire? Makes it a lot easier for backing down boat ramps too. Now, the fans all run off the juice from the alternator, so as soon as I start the engine I'm in business. [ motor revving ] [ fans whirring ] [ applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge. Possum lake city council has finally decided to start promoting the area, and they're looking to hire someone as a full-time p.R. Person. Sounds like pretty easy money to me. I mean, the possum lake area pretty much sells itself, usually short. And there's something else that I can tell you. They've budgeted 50,000 bucks a year to pay whoever gets the job. Not everybody knows that, but I'm pretty tight with the mayor. Actually, most of the time, the mayor's pretty tight all on his own, to be honest with you. Hey, red, are you still planning on applying for the new public relations job, huh? Well, I'm thinking about it, dalton, yeah. 60,000 bucks a year, ho, ho. No, no, that's not right. It's 50,000. Well, that's incorrect, mr. Green. You see, the mayor's planning on keeping 10,000 for himself, so he leaked the wrong number to a few idiots. [ laughter ] so if you go out for this job, mr. Green, you have to propose something for the area that you will promote. Oh, yeah, I know. I'm all over that, yeah. I'm suggesting that they declare possum lake mosquito capital of the world. Every spring we have a mosquito festival. You know, make it a charity thing, raise money for the blood bank. So we're all in it. We all get sponsors and you sit in the bush in your underwear, and you get a buck a bite. What do you think? You don't wanna know what I think. Well, we actually -- we can't be objective, mr. Green, because we're both candidates for that job too. What? You guys don't have any ideas. We got no ideas for free, we got plenty of ideas for money. Yeah, 60,000 of 'em. Yeah, and apparently the applicants will be processed in the order in which they are submitted, so if you'll excuse me -- [ buzzing sound ] dalton: No. No. No. Just a minute there, guys. Guys, out of the way. [ buzzing sound ] it's a remote lock. [ buzzing sound ] oh, come on! [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's winner will receive a free styling set from possum lake's only hairdressing salon exclusively for seniors, hairyatrics. Okay, mr. Green -- uh, cover your things. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. All right. And go! Okay, winston, if you didn't have this you'd be nothing. A sewage truck. No, okay, no. This is not something you own; this is a thing inside you that's made you successful. Oh, a poor sense of smell. [ laughter ] okay, say you're watching television, you see someone like donald trump and you think, boy, he must have a lot of... Hairspray. Remember when you were in high school, the guidance counselor would say, what's your... Excuse. This is like a dream. You gotta have a dream, and you got have something to make the dream come true. Happy talk! ♪ happy talk, keep talking ♪ mike, mike, mike. Happy tal -- I was in "south pacific" in prison. I've still got the coconut bra. [ laughter ] can we please get back to the game? Okay, sorry. You're almost out of time, mr. Green. Gee, I wonder why there, bojangles! Okay, winston, how come you're the only sewage sucker in the whole tri-county area? 'cause nobody around here has any ambition. There you go! [ applause and cheering ] I know my competitors and what they're about. They charge too much money, of that there's no doubt. So if you want a fair price give rothschild's a shout. Don't get sucked in when you get pumped out. A lot of good things about having a dog... They make a great companion; they'll protect you; and they make the mailman think twice about delivering those bills. The problem is what do you do when the dog gets dirty? No one enjoys bathing their dog. You get soaked. You get scratched. The dog doesn't get all that clean. I suppose you could get right inside the bathtub with the dog, but that's how you end up on the front page of the "national enquirer". Now, I'm thinking, why not take the technology of an automatic car wash and make yourself an automatic dog wash? All you need is the standard lawn and garden stuff that everybody has around the house, and, of course, a couple of dog houses so you've got room to mount all the gear. Now, I'm going to cut these dog houses in half so I can get inside to work on them. I suppose I could just crawl right inside the darned things, but after 35 years of marriage, I've been in there enough. I thought I'd show you how the whole thing works before I put the two halves back together here. Okay, first of all, I've got my garden hose coming in. It goes into one of these "t" connectors here. Now, on the first leg of the "t" connector I'm going out into one of these outdoor window washer bottles; you know, the kind that hooks onto your hose? 'course, now, I dumped the window washer fluid out of there and replaced that with dog shampoo. The dog actually turns the soap on himself with this string I got tied to the trigger on the machine, and then the other end, I got a dog biscuit hanging there. I tell you, by the time he finishes chewing on that baby, he'll have worked himself into a lather. Now, on the other side of my "t" connector, that goes down into the lawn sprinkler you see there, and that'll rinse all the soap off the dog, plus give him a great under wash for those hard-to- get-at places. Then he just moves on down the line, until his head comes up against the blade of this hockey stick, and that turns on my leaf blower dog dryer. [ blower whirring ] okay, let's just get the pieces back together, and we're in business. Okay, I've got the dog wash blocking the only exit from the yard. Now I just need to entice the dog to come out through it. Actually, there are only two things that will motivate a dog, and since this isn't mating season, I'm going with food. That's all you need, though, to make your own dog wash. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ water spraying, dog whining ] [ dog barking, water spraying, gears whirring ] [ applause ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys with garages out there. You know, my wife says our garage is a mess, but I don't agree with her. Sure, I got some unfinished projects in there, parking meter with a dent in it the same colour as my truck; charred pistons from a four-cycle engine that turned out to be a two-cycle engine; replacement tubes from that guitar amp that was repo'd during my solo at the high school dance. But that stuff is completely out of sight -- or at least it would be if I could get the garage door to close. But garage clutter is not a bad thing. If you're in the middle of a mess, you're in the middle of history. Oh, yeah, it's the story of everything that's happened in that garage since the words, "I'll get to it later" were first spoken. And clutter is by far the easiest organizational system to learn. Why, with a clean garage, you've gotta remember which cupboard the tools are in. With a messy garage they're right where you can see 'em, lying there rusting in the middle of the floor. And it's amazing what you can create just by leaving stuff lying around. You take that guy that invented chia pets. [ laughter ] I figure it was a bunch of broken lawn gnomes lying there beside some spilled grass seed under a leaky roof. I bet you there's a bunch of million-dollar projects right in my garage. All I gotta do is sort through the clutter. I'll get to it later. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] when your back lawn's as high as an elephant's eye, when starlings and sparrows fall from the sky, it's time to give rothschild's sewage a try. We'll dive in your tank and suck her dry. Well, didn't get the job, which is fine. I don't mind not getting the job. But I think they gave it to mike. Ah, come on. I mean, mike's a good guy and everything, but the man is a known thief. Why would you give a $60,000-a-year job to a guy who's got no experience, no education and no -- I have exactly the same qualifications, and I'm older. I didn't get the job either, mr. Green. Oh, mike, I'm sorry to hear that. I was really rooting for you. [ laughter ] yeah, I guess dalton must've got the job. What a scam, eh? I mean, he's a good guy and everything, but you couldn't hire a worse person! Yeah, there's a waste of money right there. Dalton is not the guy for that job. Dalton's an idiot. Super guy. Great guy. Good guy, though. Well, count me out. I didn't get it. Oh, what a shame. We were really hoping for you. Thank you very much, guys. Yeah, they wouldn't even tell me who did get it. Do you know what I think? I think the mayor gave the job to his own wife. Oh, no, she's already the regional chairperson. That's how the mayor got his job. [ knock at door ] I'll get it. Well, it sounds to me like somebody's been paid off. Nah, they wouldn't take a bribe... I wouldn't think! Gentleman, I'm pleased to present the newly appointed director of public relations for the county of possum lake. [ cheering and applause ] red: Walter wanted to put a garden in behind the lodge, so he got one of the rototillers there. Apparently that's cheaper than buying vegetables. And the problem was every time he put 'er into gear she would stall out on him there, so he'd just get 'er going, he'd put 'er into gear and she'd stall. So he got a good idea. He figured he needs some way to keep 'er in gear all the time. So, uh, he installed the handyman's secret clutch, and he's in -- he's just gotta fire it up. Fire it up, walter. Let 'er rip. Let 'er go. Apparently that's the manual rototiller technique. So he opens up the -- and apparently he's out of -- yeah, he's out of -- not a drop in there. So he goes to the shed where we keep the gas can. You notice I say gas can and not gas, because it's empty as well. There's other -- there's always a liquid of some kind, and most of then are flammable. There's a can with something in it. Kind of a potluck approach to internal combustion engines we use at the lodge, plus he's not putting that much in. How much damage can he possibly -- I'm pretty sure that's -- whatever that is I'm pretty sure, uh -- I'm pretty sure that would burn. Oh, yeah, that's flammable. Now, he's probably tripled the horse power of the unit right now, which he finds out -- so it apparently takes off. Now, I was just getting a shovel out of the van, and I'm not paying too much attention to what was going on. Hello, walter. And dalton was putting out -- he loves these little lawn ornaments. He's been collecting these for years, but, uh, walter had the theory that if you broke them down, you could actually use them as seeds. That didn't work out so good. Then I was just putting the shovel away, and walter decided to put in a roof garden. He was up there hacking away at the shingles, and, uh, this is not gonna work out at all, so I'm gonna -- the best advice I could give him was, come on down, walter. Here we go. But, by golly, the unit, she's a good one. She kept running, and he wasn't heading out towards the highway, so I wasn't too worried. Then I got this idea, if we put a ramp up against the possum van there, we could steer him in that way. He's just going to go right up, and then that'll be kind of a holding -- you gotta let go, walter. You gotta let go of the unit. Take your hands -- let 'er go. Let 'er go. Let 'er go, walter. Oh, okay -- very good. Uh,the only problem was the unit didn't actually stop running. She's chewing up the seats in there, turning around, which we didn't notice, and before you know it she starts coming back down the ramp towards us, but you know, as luck would have it, she ran outta gas, and so did dalton. [ applause ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining me today is local marine owner and hammock enthusiast, dwight cardiff. So tell me, dwight, how are things at the marina these days? Oh, been better, red. We lost part of the fleet over the weekend. You're kidding me! The boats sank? No. They just kind of floated away. Well, you know, dwight, you're supposed to tie 'em up to the dock. I'm not big on bending. You got a bad back? I have no idea. All right, well, what did you bring us here today? Garburetor. She's jammed. Well, you didn't have to bring the whole sink in here, you know, dwight. You can actually just take the garburetor off the bottom. How would I do that? Well, you open the cupboard doors under the sink, and then you bend dow -- okay, yeah. Well, got a pair of needle nosed pliers here. See if I can figure out what's jamming her. You know, I think I've got a pair of those at the shop at the marina. I'm not sure. I don't go in there very much. There we go, huh? There's your typical garburetor jam right there. It's the tab off a pop can. See that? Boy, those pop cans are just too much work, aren't they? Actually, the whole can is in there, dwight. I know what caused that, red. Gravity. I think the marina's a gravity hot spot. Some days I can barely get out of my chair. That would be a milk carton, dwight. What's going on here? What are you trying to say, red? You think I'm shoving all my stuff and all my garbage down the garburetor? I think you're stuffing -- yes! You're not getting this back. I'm confiscating the garburetor. From now on you put your garbage out on garbage day like everybody else. Have you seen the length of my driveway? I don't care, dwight. You're not getting the garburetor back, and that is final. Fine. Fine. On a completely unrelated subject, do you know how to build a catapult? Does it bother you when your wife starts looking at pictures of fancy mansions in magazines, then she looks at your house, then she looks at you? Wouldn't it be great if you could impress people with your house? Now, I don't mean friends and neighbours. I'm talking about strangers that live far, far away. You have zero chance of impressing anybody who actually knows you. They say a picture says a thousand words. Well, how about a picture that tells a thousand lies? Find yourself a shot of one of those fancy mansions in the magazines. Take a knife and cut out where the front door is on the unit. Just like that. Oh, look, I'm home. Then what you do is find somebody who can take a picture for you, and get them to line that mansion up just right. What you'll get is a picture of you at your front door that you can proudly send to relatives overseas, as long as you're positive they'll never come and visit you. [ laughter and applause ] are you all right, uncle red? Well, harold, it's a lot for me to take in. It's a lot for me to put out. Why are you here, harold? I mean, what happened to your life, your job in the city? I quit that job! That was a good job, harold. It's gonna be hard to get another job. I have another job. Yeah, but you might not have gotten it, harold. I applied for that job, you know? Yeah, you all applied for that job. That really helped. Thanks. Yeah, all right, I suppose if they were lookin' to hire somebody like you they're not gonna hire somebody like me. Oh, well, that's exactly right. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. You know, because they were looking for someone young and dynamic with a college degree and who is computer literate and has some experience in related fields, so -- that's what I'm saying, harold. Whereas, if they were looking for someone middle aged, opinionated and unemployed, but very good with a chain saw -- all right, harold. That's enough! They understand. They get it. Okay, great. To be back. I'm very happy I'm very excited about the new job and everything. What? You know what? Truth be told, I missed, uh -- [ no audio ] I missed, you know, everybody. Well, did you -- did you miss me, harold? Shootin' at you. I wasn't even did you miss me? [ laughter ] yeah, I did. I missed you. Yeah! Yeah? Well, I missed you too, harold. No, no, no. No, no, no. [ applause ] I think I'm gonna cry. You know, I didn't miss that. You know what the best part is? We get to work together again. How do you figure that? Well, that's my proposal. I'm gonna make my job the promoting and marketing of possum lodge. And we got a lotta work to do! Yeah. Wow, harold! You think possum lodge is good enough to attract visitors? We got a lotta work to do! [ possum squealing ] we still haven't got that fixed, huh? It's the meeting call, harold! Yeah. [ applause ] well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I did not get the big $60,000 job, but harold did, which is close enough, because I figure in the next two weeks somebody's bound to kill him. We'll get the money sooner or later. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] winston: Everybody, sit down. Sit down. Dalton: Everybody have a seat. Winston: Come on, guys. Come to order. Dalton: All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. All: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, as you can see, harold is here with us now, and he's gonna be hanging around the lodge a fair bit because of his new job and everything. And I want you each to give him your full cooperation. And I'd like to propose that we welcome harold back with a big round of applause. [ one person clapping ] now -- now, okay, guys, now, he went away, and he did fine, and I think it's only right that we welcome him back. [ feeble clapping ] okay, um, for those of you who don't know this, harold is making $60,000 a year. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com